 In looking at how to discuss your needs in marriage (see….), we looked at 10 steps on how to do it effectively. There is however much to be learned from the wisdom of how NOT to do it. It could save you a lot of trouble and fighting. Here follows a satirical look at..
13 things to not do: 1. Be totally dependent on your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs. Be like a heavy, wet blanket on them. That will drain them before long. That way you never have to take responsibility and develop faith in God. You could just jump from partner to partner. 2. Assume your partner knows what you need without you telling them. Make it hard for them. They are supposed to be able to read minds or what? 3. Then blame them if they don’t do it right because they ‘would have known if they really cared’. Play on their feelings by ‘you should have known by now’. 4. Keep your feelings to yourself and one day explode in a fit of anger and blame them for being so selfish. This will leave them overwhelmed and helpless to fulfill your needs. 5. Be vague about your needs and say things like ‘I don’t know, a movie or whatever’. Keep them guessing. 6. Please only your partner’s needs and never mention what you want. Always give in to their requests and do not negotiate for yours. This will leave you empty and depressed and could lead to lots of resentment. 7. Demand what you need and control your partner by telling them what they should and shouldn't do. Give instructions. Bark it out man. ‘No, you cannot go out on a ladies night. You will stay here and help me!’. This will make you feel powerful, ensure that you are not equal partners and diminish the safety in the relationship. 8. Criticize your partner’s character using labels and insults. ‘You never ask about what I want, you are a selfish narcissist!’; ‘You do not clean up after you. You really are such an inconsiderable pig’. Nasty. 9. Manipulate them. Whine, complain, let them feel guilty e.g ‘How can you go out with your friends when you never want to spend time with me! Am I not important to you?!’. 10. Be unreasonable. Ask more than they can give. Be rigid and do not accommodate them. ‘No, I can only have sex on Fridays’. 11. Shoot down whatever they ask of you. Give them a go. Give strong arguments for your needs only and do it vehemently. That will cause a good amount of friction and you will win (well, temporarily). 12. Ignore them. Only do what you want. Go into silent mode and punish them real good by not doing what they like. They will become frustrated and feel upset at you. They might even resent you. Then you are equals. 13. Spite them by actively doing what they do not like. Make it clear that you do not care. Pay them back for all the hurt and neglect. Hopefully you do not make as many of these mistakes as I have. Have a look at my other article “10 steps on how to discuss needs in marriage’. All of the best with meeting your partner’s needs! By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist), Matters of the Soul (mattersofthesoul.org)
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 Couples relationships are all about needs. Needs for love, affection, sex, help with the kids, encouragement, listening etc. Needs not met, half met or never met at all lead to all kinds of dilemmas. One of the reasons we marry is because we admire something in the other person that we miss in ourselves. We feel loved and cared for and hope it will stay that way.
But our careers develop, family grows and our partner’s needs become more difficult to meet. On top of our spouse’s needs we have demands from work, children, family and life in general. Sometimes these just take their toll and the relationship with our spouse suffers until we can ‘get through this time’. This is however a recipe for marital unhappiness and if it lasts too long, extra-marital affairs or divorce ensues. Therefore, as a couple it is very important that you talk about what you need from each other. Your spouse will benefit from you telling them what you need, when and even why. So let’s look at 10 steps to talking to your spouse about your needs: 1. Who do I need? Ask yourself whether you are overly dependent on your spouse to meet your emotional needs. Your spouse cannot be the only person to affirm you. You were designed to be dependent on God. He is the Source of your love, affirmation, worth, encouragement and strength. That’s why Jesus mentions that you cannot do anything without Him (John 15:5). Your partner will be there for you occasionally, but God will be there constantly (Heb 13:5). 2. What do I need? It is very important that you pin down what you need from your partner. You will have various needs at different times. Identify what is important for you at this time e.g. Do I need my partner to help bathe the children? Or do you need 30 minutes of alone time to recharge? 3. Pick a time Timing is important. Try not to discuss your need for sex when the children are running havoc through the kitchen at 18:30 and she’s tired and overwhelmed. Be proactive, start earlier the day! Or call your partner aside and ask for a few moments. 4. What does my partner need? If you ask your partner what they need from you it shows you care and are not just interested in your own welfare. Ask them directly what you could do to make them feel loved and do those things you already know. 5. Be specific Saying ‘I need you to love me’ is like saying to the waiter at a restaurant ‘I want food’. Being specific helps. You could say something like ‘I have a need to discuss something that’s been bothering me a while. Would you please give me the benefit of listening to me and then give me your thoughts on the matter?’ 6. Ask, don’t tell Some people fall into the habit of demanding, instructing, blaming or nagging. These will just frustrate your partner and create emotional distance between you. Rather ask or make a kind request. 7. Win-win Ideally we want to give ourselves to our partners unconditionally and serve them freely as the Lord wants. To achieve this in the long run, we should work towards win-win situations to fulfill both partner’s needs. If both focus on loving the other person through fulfilling their needs and are willing to meet each other halfway, both would win marital satisfaction. 8. Be the hero Sometimes you will be the ‘hero’ in the relationship and give in fully. You will meet your partner’s needs at your expense. This will make them feel loved and invest in the long term strength of the relationship. 9. Make a date or arrangement Once you have discussed your needs, make dates or appointments to fulfill them. You could arrange specific times or routines e.g. we will have sex tonight at 21:00. Or I will help to bathe the children on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 10. Regularly check in Make it a habit to check in with each other daily. This ensures that you stay up to date with each other and needs are not left unmet for long. It also leads you to feel closer to one another. E.g. early morning or right after work, take 10 minutes and ask each other “What are your needs for tonight or the weekend?”. In following these steps with a humble and loving attitude, you will grow closer and discover new things together. Drawing from the Lord for your wisdom and strength, you will learn to love each other in new ways. By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist), Matters of the Soul (mattersofthesoul.org) |
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Argief
May 2020
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